I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Day 2 of my diet
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!