@nowarranty

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

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@donutscoffeeme

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

@MissBamanthaa

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

@RocketRankoon

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

@dave_cactus

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

@flashember

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

@GotBadTouched

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

@DaddyJew

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink