I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
shut up and take my money
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.