I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio