I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]