I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
That’s it.I’m out.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing