Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time