I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I cannot call her anything else now
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.