I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.