I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??