I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.