I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]