I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What