I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Cake!!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no