I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Our lord and savoury.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
When I snag the last meatball.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*