I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters