I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.