Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.