I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.