@_SouthernMama

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

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@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

@dreamthievin

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

@Reverend_Scott

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@BuckyIsotope

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

@TheAlexNevil

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

@KeetPotato

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life