I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower