I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
asking santa clause for nudes
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination