I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Had to try this trend 😊
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.