I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
What about second breakfast?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.