I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
You Might Also Like
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]