I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
You Might Also Like
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Become ungovernable.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I need this for my side hustle.
I love the National Park Service.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
What an awful time to have common sense.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?