I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people


Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like


My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.


4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.


Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars


Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.