I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.