I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox