I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“What?”
– Jude
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
R.I.P.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?