I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
😂😂😂
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr