I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
guys I’m going home
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!