I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????