I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
dutch so unserious
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.