I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
happy friday
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…