I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.