I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.