I’m putting together a team
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.