I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality