I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My purse is deeper than some people.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once