I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.