I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.