I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt