I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You Might Also Like
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I mean…but I did
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Yes
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.