I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
We鈥檙e all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
A choir of Spring onions
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
A saltwater crocodile鈥檚 bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My support group can outdrink your support group.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Friend: I鈥檓 visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I don鈥檛 think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Lionel Richie: 馃幎hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Teacher: I鈥檓 worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[restaurant]
ME: I鈥檓 meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she鈥檚 very nice.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I hate when I鈥檓 cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.