I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.


COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.


You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.


PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu


ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.


*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”


The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.


Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.


Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear