@beyerstein Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
@robyn_vo I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
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@beyerstein 
@jordan_stratton COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@MunkMania You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
@notacroc PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
@Tommytoughstuff ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
@david8hughes *grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
@withanewname The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
@Melchievous *turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
@UncleBob56 Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
@IAmYardDad Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear