i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Have kids, they said
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?