I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
wow he looks just like him
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough