I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
How wrong was this guy?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.