I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
You Might Also Like
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
then why did i get this email
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks