I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Got him!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I would like even faster food.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”