I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.