@BlackCatBettie

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

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@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

@StanHels1ng

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

@MikeDrucker

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

@Bandersnaaatch

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?