@TheWoodenslurpy Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
@BlackCatBettie I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You Might Also Like
@TheWoodenslurpy 
@NintenDom Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
@IGotsSmarts Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
@junejuly12 No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
@kristendrum “want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
@StanHels1ng “Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
@CM2BTTHD CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
@iRowlf It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
@MikeDrucker I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
@Bandersnaaatch Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?