I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Twitter fine art
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer